


Distressed cat noises: the fan fiction

by Hello_Im_not_a_possum



Category: Cuphead (Video Game)
Genre: "I've become a horrifying monster and I hate it" angst, "dad doesn't love me anymore" type angst, Archangel AU, King dice hunts demons in his spare time in this fic, Other, Swearing, and the Devil is surprisingly oddly chill with it, emotional head canon backstories nobody wants, error 404 devil.exe has stopped working
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-04-21
Updated: 2018-06-11
Packaged: 2019-04-25 21:47:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 4,386
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14387775
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hello_Im_not_a_possum/pseuds/Hello_Im_not_a_possum
Summary: Because I was Inspired by some fan art by pretty-little-magnolia on tumblr. I made this: a story where three archangels become demon lords and shenanigans insure. Before, the mere notion of Raphael, or the other Archangels falling like their brother was noting but a disgusting notion that would blissfully remain untrue. However God had a one-strike-you're-out policy and our unlucky archangels, Michael, Gabriel, and Raphael had made that one strike and had plummeted down to hell. Just like their brother Lucifer.





	1. You can't throw angels but you can bowl demons.

Mr. Wheezy was no stranger to Inkwell Hell, his boss lived there and he often had to go down there himself for important work-related reasons.

What he was a stranger to, was being the sap who broke an archangel's fall by catching one in his arms.

One would think that a flaming body falling from heaven and landing on you when you're in hell would hurt like hell. However luckily for Mr. Wheezy, Raphael crashing into earth had slowed his fall down enough that while catching him took an "oof" out the living cigar it didn't hurt on his end. As for the body being on fire, well when one is a living cigar, not being on fire does more harm then being mildly on fire.

 

As the flames on the newest member of the court of hell had died down dark fur started growing on the former angel of healing. Mr. Wheezy blinked in surprise as the now unholy creature was starting to bear a striking resemblance to his boss. The imps in the area looked terrified and confused, one of the winged ones even jumped on Wheezy's shoulder.

 

"THIS IS A DISASTER!" the little blue beast screamed as it gestured wildly at the fallen angel

"How? isn't a new guy on our team a good thing?"

The imp looked offended "NOT WHEN THERE'S A 89% CHANCE HE'S BEEN SENT DOWN HERE TO OVERTHROW THE DEVIL AND MAKE US ALL EVEN _MORE_ MISERABLE THEN WE WERE BEFORE!"

Mr. Wheezy readjusted the demon in his arms so the newcomer wouldn't slip "Well, why don't we just take 'im to the Boss and let him decide what to do."

The little imp kept opening and closing it's mouth trying to think of a why to shut down Wheezy's plan but as he didn't have a better one, he groaned in defeat "fine! but when crap hits the fan all I'm doing is saying 'I told ya so'!"

After that, the imp flew off, leaving Mr. Wheezy and the unconscious "angel" heading to the devil in silence.

...

........

Even before opening his eyes Raphael knew something was terribly wrong as his body felt far too hot for comfort, he had the worst headache imaginable, his spine and legs felt ridiculously messed up and he couldn't feel his wings at all.

The air stunk of burnt and or burning flesh, sulfur, brimstone, cigarettes and other things he had never dreamed of being near in his entire divine life. He coughed horribly as his lungs had not adjusted to the thickly filthy air, he hadn't the slightest Idea as to how anything could be alive down there. Part of him was beginning to feel sorry for the demons who were forced to live in this place.

When he cracked his eyes open he regretted it imminently as he was greeted by the horrifying sights of Hell and all the misery it had to offer. His new fur fluffed up in fear as he heard a voice above him.

"Well, good morning sleeping beauty! nice of ya to drop in"

Upon the realization he was being carried by the owner of the voice Raphael thrashed like a wild animal in a cage, desperate to escape the clutches of the sinner who held him. Mr. Wheezy didn't want to get clawed up by the flailing demon he gently tossed the terrified mass of fur, claws, and teeth away from him as he had often did with other demons who got this worked up.

Unfortunately Raphael didn't have the cat-like reflexes the demons Mr. Wheezy worked with had and because of this the once dignified former archangel had face planted on the surprisingly cold floors of hell.

As he picked himself off of the floor he noticed that his hands were much different, in that they had _claws_ instead of regular fingernails. Further examination of his own body while explaining everything that felt off, filled him with dread. The irregular amount of heat? his fur. The headache? his new ram like horns growing in. his spine feeling off? his new tail. his legs? they were goat legs now. Couldn't feel his wings? well now he had no wings. While he stumbled onto his feet he kept losing his balance as he was used to having regular legs. He wanted to scream but was too busy hyperventilating.

Mr. Wheezy had taken out a cigar and lit it.

"I know this is one of the last things to give a man outta breath but ya clearly need something to calm the nerves."

Raphael glared at the living cigar man.

"THE _LAST_ THING I NEED RIGHT NOW IS TO DESTROY THE PARTS OF ME LEFT UNCHANGED BY THE UNHOLY FIRES OF HELL!"

"Hey now, a good smoke ain't gonna kill ya."

Raphael swat the cigar out of Mr. Wheezy's hand. "IT IS LITERAL _POISON_ AS WELL AS POISON OF THE MIND! I AM AN ANGEL OF THE LOR-"

He was interrupted by Mr. Wheezy's laughter.

"Hate to break it to you pal, but ya ain't exactly an angel anymore."


	2. What in eternal damnation?

Chips Bettigan was sent to investigate an agonizing scream from behind the casino. It was one of the many, many times he had regretting making his deal with the devil as he wasn't as brave or as wild as his cowboy attire would lead some to believe.

"I-I knew I shoulda let the dead horse lie down, never s-shoulda even looked at that goat-faced varmint or his wheel-horse city-slicker of a die!"

The gun in his hand was trembling far too much for Chips to use it properly and it only had two bullets left as he had set off the trigger out of fear and had shot still smoking holes in four different inanimate objects as a result.

But he still anxiously continued to the spot where the scream was allegedly heard, his heart beating in his chest faster then the hooves of the casino racehorses.

 

The scream in question came from the former messenger of the lord who was currently hiding his now demonic appearance from the world (or at least trying very hard to do so) "I-I'm still myself, this isn't all that bad" he lied to himself with a light quiver in his voice. His new tail curling itself around him for comfort, while the demon himself had been curled up behind a trashcan.

Gabriel's self-pity party was interrupted by the shaky jangling of cowboy boot spurs and an equally terrified voice

"Alight! w-whoever y'all are doin' down here y'all better skedaddle b-before it gets awful messy! If not by mah gun then by mah boss! an' he gets _awful_ nasty!"

If the voice had intended to be intimidating it had failed as Gabriel was more curious then scared of the newcomer, especially with his bizarre speaking pattern. His ears perked up to where the terrified cowboy was and he slowly crept out of his hiding spot.

 

Poor Chips had hoped that no one was back here but when he saw a tall dark horned figure with bright green eyes and claws that were probably as sharp, if not sharper then his boss's claws.

Chips had fired his guns wildly at the creature and missed both times screaming the entire time and still trying to shoot with his empty gun.

Naturally Gabriel had screamed back, neither one moving an inch towards or away from each other, they had screamed at each other for so long that if this was a cartoon, their screams would be interrupted by a timecard that said "seven hours later" or something like that.

 

When both of them had run out of breath to scream, Chips was still clicking his empty gun at the fallen angel until the said angel had plucked the gun out of his grasp.

"Whatever you're trying to do it isn't working.

Absolutely terrified but trying and failing to hide how terrified he was chips threw his arms up like he was about to fight and shouted at the demon lord.

"YA DON'T SCARE ME YA MOLDY OVERSIZED BATHROOM RUG! I'VE WRANGLED DOWN SOME ON THE NASTIST VERMIN AND CRITTERS YA'D SEE IN YER NIGHTMARES' NIGHTMARES ON BEHALF OF THE DEVIL 'IMSELF!" he then punched the air twice for emphasis.

More out of curiosity then malice, Gabriel clicked the gun while pointing it at Chips, who screamed in terror as he realized that the mysterious demon from behind the trash now wielded his trusty pistol, seemingly forgetting that it was empty.

Gabriel had then dropped the gun out of reflex and stepped back from it, Chips had also taken a step back.

"O-Okay I think we might have gotten off on the wrong foot" Gabriel held out his arms to show the terrified cowboy of poker chips that he held no weapons "I am Gabriel, and although I don't look it I am an angel of the lord."

Chips' terror was replaced with a somber look on his features as he lowered the brim of his Stetson over his eyes. "Well partner, if that's the case ah ain't sure how to break this to ya but... while ya can call yer boots biscuit batter, if ya put 'em in the oven then yain't got no boots or biscuits anymore."

Gabriel had never been more confused until this moment

"Wait... what on earth is THAT supposed to even _mean?_ "


	3. R.I.P King Dice's overly preppy bedroom

The Archangel Michael seemed to have slightly better luck then his brothers on where he had landed as when he had woken up on one of what felt like the softest, and fanciest bed the mortal realm could offer.

Keywords being  _slightly_ better as his body still hurt from crashing through a roof of both a cave and a building. Oh, that and also having his angelic form being burnt, twisted and warped into that of a demon lord.

Needless to say this wasn't a very fun day for him.

Although he had wanted to just embrace the softness of the bed and know that sleeping was like if it meant escaping the agony his body was in, he knew he was an unwanted guest at best in this place and since his body felt like it was on fire, he could accidentally set the bed on fire if he stayed.

So, he dragged himself out of the bed albeit very reluctantly, and checked the damage of both himself and the place he was in.

The room wasn't that too badly damaged considering the situation, aside from the giant vaguely demon-shaped hole in the ceiling, Michael's wings stuck in the hole and molting burnt feathers and chunks of melting angel-flesh all over the place and the fact the room was mildly on fire.

It was a very fancy looking room by mortal standards with it's diamond chandelier that was miraculously unscratched, it's mostly white walls with elaborate designs gilded into them, a tall platinum mirror facing the kingsized bed that was fitted with purple silk sheets and pillows, and all of the furniture in the room looked like it was made out of the most expensive wood money could legally buy.

 

In short it was a type of bedroom that only the richest of the obnoxiously rich could afford, and whoever owned it was probably as equally snobby and extra as this room was.

But by insanely-high almost unreachable standards of an archangel, it was an overly-fancy dump.

The mirror was useful it checking the damage on himself though so at least it was a useful overly-fancy dump.

His new body was covered in dark blue fur, and had goat-like legs that were hard to walk on, pointed ears, wickedly sharp claws, a long tail that had a nasty looking barb on it's tip and a pair of horns that curved outwards like that of a bull's horns.

He was also mildly on fire but Michael was pretty sure that demons were either fireproof or supposed to be on fire so he just let that be.

The mirror had also shown that there was somebody in the room with him.

 

Michael turned to face the man in the room and was greeted by a man in a purple suit with a die for a head.

Not in a literal sense, in reality the two of them just stared at each other for an awkwardly long time.

King Dice took a long sip from his "I sleep with the boss" mug and calmly walked out of the bedroom.

Michael heard Dice's footsteps growing faster as he got more distant and had heard him calling out "BOSS YOU NEED TO SEE THIS!"

Knowing that he was probably the "this" that the die-man was referring to, Michael followed him, or at least tried as he kept falling over because he was used to walking on normal legs as opposed to goat legs.

And in the process of trying to pick himself up and reteach himself how to walk, he had accidentally clawed up the entirety of King Dice's bedroom.

 

Hopefully Dice wasn't as possessive of material objects as his room implied that he was.

If not our good friend Mike would probably be exorcised out of hell.


	4. 5 minutes before the world's worst family reunion

Back with Mr. Wheezy and Raphael, the former had to resort to carrying the latter on account of he could barely walk and falling on the burning floors of hell made trying to learn how to walk a lot harder then it had to be.

However Raphael, being a dignified and powerful archangel who clearly wasn't going to stay in this pit-hole of sin and agony hated every second he had spent with the cigar man as it seemed he was taking him deeper into the deaths of hell as opposed to out of it. What a pitiably foolish mortal to believe that his father had intended him to  _stay_ in this ill fated place.

Mr. Wheezy also hated his time with the angel as Raphael proved himself to be a pompous, holier-than-thou, health nut of a companion. Weren't angels supposed to be pleasant to be with or was Raphael always this annoying? He'd get an answer from his boss soon enough.

 

"What do you plan to do with me fiend?"

the former angel venomously spat while he struggled with his remaining strength to escape Mr. Wheezy's seemingly iron grip.

"Calm down 'your holiness', I'm just taking ya to the boss, he'll know what to do with you."

Raphael crossed his arms and scoffed "whatever mortal folly enough to willingly stay in such an unholy place is not worth my time. **Now remove me at once!** "

A demon acting so holy and high would've been hilarious if he had seen it in fiction instead of having to deal with the obnoxious wreck. "My boss ain't some damn mortal, he's the mother-fuckin' devil in the flesh!"

To Mr. Wheezy's relief, this had shut Raphael up...

...for two whole minutes

Because as soon as Raphael realized "devil" was just the title his brother Lucifer took after his fall, he had a very long list of things to say to Mr. Wheezy.

"WHAT DO YOU _MEAN_ YOU SERVE THE DEVIL?! HAVE YOU NOT ANY COMMON SENSE!? MY BROTHER LUCIFER WAS A VAIN, HOT-HEADED, INSUFFERABLE WENCH BACK IN HEAVEN AND IT'S CERTAIN HE'S ONLY GROWN WORSE IN THIS INSUFFERABLE STINKING PIT OF ALCOHOLS AND SIN! HAVE YOU NO SENSE OF DIGNITY? OR SELF-PRESERVATION? HAVE YOU NO _SHAME?!_ IF MY FATHER, THE KING OF KINGS AND CREATOR OF THE UNIVERSE HAD NOT BEEN SO MERCIFUL TO YOU AND THE REST OF THE EARTH YOUR SORRY MORTAL HIDE WOULD-"

Mr. Wheezy rolled his eyes "That's nice buddy, now humor me for a bit, are you my Boss's big or little brother?"

While Raphael was very annoyed to be so rudely interrupted by this mortal he had decided to humor his question

"As angels, or demons in Lucifer's case we don't 'age' in the same sense you mortals do but because Father created me before him, Lucifer is my 'little brother' in a way."

"Okay, so Boss learned how to be an asshole from you, got it."

"AND I SEE YOU LEARNED HOW TO BE A.. A.." Raphael was a stranger to insulting and cursing people, it was against an angel's nature, but this living cigar really brought out the worst in him. "A GRUELING PATHETIC MAGGOT FROM HIM!"

"...said the whiny bitch who's not even bothering to walk by himself"

Raphael's fur puffed up slightly out of anger as he pounded his fists against the back of his captor "YOU ARE ABDUCTING ME AGAINST MY WILL YOU MORTAL WORM!"

 

The argument and petty insult-hurling between them had lasted throughout their entire trip to the throne room of the devil, but during the exact same time that took place, back with Chips and Gabriel.

Chips picked up his gun while thinking out loud as opposed to answering Gabriel's question.

"So, ah reckon ah should brin' ya up to the boss, he ain't gonna all too happy if ah keep ya secret from 'im, an' ah don't know what to do with ya anyhows."

The cowboy's outer thoughts seemed ominous considering that he had threatened to bring his boss into this saying he could get "awful nasty".

"wait didn't you say you worked for the Devil?"

"Ah, reckon ah did say somtin' roun'd that. Ya gotta debt or ya don't got no worries 'bout the boss?"

"He's my brother, so maybe he can help with" He gestured at his own body "..this"

"Well good golly! ah didn' know boss had kin roun'd here! ah figured boss was a loner type, but gettin' a good looksee at ya" Chips had gotten too close for comfort as he had examined Gabriel's fur and claws "ya do have an awfully spittin' similarities with the boss."

"That's exactly the problem Mr..." Gabriel just realized that he had never gotten the locker chip cowboy's name.

"well, ya don't havta be so gosh darn formal Bucko, that's Chips Bettigan 'round these parts."

 

I'm sorry this is no where near as interesting as I thought it would be, lets just cut to Mike and Dice.

Slightly out of sight lay imps above the corridor ceiling were doing slightly more interesting stuff

"I told you! three of them! archangels dropping like flies up there!" One imp stage-whispered to the other (whom for the sake of not having people be confused I shall dub "Blues")

"Yeah, so?" said the second imp (who I dub "Ruse" for the same reason) "If 'upper management' wants to throw down their best guys to us, I say lets keep 'em!"

"GUYS!" A third imp (Who I dub "Lenny") shouted as he ran to the other two while carrying a bottle almost as big as he was and what looked like burnt feathers.

"Lenny! shut up! one of the archangels and king dice are coming down this hallway!" Blues spat at the too-loud Lenny while he was shaking him by the neck.

"Calm down Blues, Whatever Lenny's yammering on about isn't worth strangling the poor guy."

As Blues released Lenny the bottle he was carrying fell through the floor and broke, the burnt feathers followed.

A very loud "YEOUCH!" from the corridor below was heard, and a single quick (but unwilling) peek was all that it took to see that the unlucky victim of Lenny's bottle (and the feathers but they didn't hurt) was none other then King Dice.

"Oh shit! King Dice's gonna skin us! Or make us his personal demon trap testers!" while Blues was panicking out of his mind Lenny was cheering "YAY WE SAVED THE DEVIL!"

Blues was quick to stop him before the devil's right hand man heard them "What the fuck Lenny?!"

"That was a bottle of holy water and angel feathers! I found them in Dice's room so he must've been trying to kill the Devil but they broke so we saved him!"

Blues once again wrung out Lenny's neck while Ruse Just shook her head

"look Lenny, Dice has been loyal to the boss longer then a lot of people have even been alive, if Dice wanted the boss dead, he would already be pretty fucking dead"

Lenny would've responded if he wasn't getting all the life chocked out of him by Blues.


	5. the best time of the day is 3 am demon time

"THESE MURDERS OF OUR OWN BRETHREN MUST CEASE TYRANNICAL DEMON KING!" a lesser demon of a different circle of hell had called out. The Devil didn't even dignify the vermin with a response and just took a long sip from his "I am the boss" mug.

It was three-in-the-mourning demon time and he was currently too tired to deal with all of this "you're going to start a war" bullshit

Unsurprisingly the little shit mistook the Devil's silence for 'guilt' or something else that was probably just as pathetic and puffed up with pride " _SEE!!_ YOU CAN'T EVEN DEFEND YOURSELF FROM THE TRUTH!"

"SILENCE _YOU FUCKING_ _FOOL!_ " With the Devil refusing to humor the lesser demon that would be below his own imps had it been under his reign he struck the ground with his trident, causing a terrifying amount of hellfire and damned souls to ooze out the trembling ground.

All pride fell out of the demon and all color drained from it's sorry face as it cowered behind it's own tail. but it still had the gall to talk to him.

"L-lord Beelzebub who reigns over the flies _will_ be avenged! as will Mastema, Alastor, Gamigin.." it sputtered as it tried to brandish it's spear at the Devil, who in turn rolled his eyes.

"Uh-huh, and what the fuck do I have to do with this? Those asswipes might've owed me a lot, but I run a casino, not a mafia."

"The murdered demons all had two things in common, one being their eyes were replaced with dice, most likely when they were still alive, the other being they were all killed with playing cards-"

"So those bitches were pushovers"

"-The cards in question were all king of spades. Twenty-one of them were used per victim, and all of them were blessed."

"sounds like your perp is a priest with a game board fetish and way too much time on his hands, again what the fuck are you here for."

"It is very likely that the murderer is none other then your supposed right hand man, King dice, was it?" The lesser demon glared

"You little shit"

"IS IT TRUE THAT HE'S SOME AGENT OF THE DIVINE-"

The lesser demon's accusations were cut short by the Devil's laughter "You cock waffle, If you knew Dice at all you'd sure as here know that when he does get on his knees at night it's not for my fucking dad." *THE ABSOLUTELY LEAST SUBTLE WINK OF ALL WINKS*

The lesser demon left in disgust, at least it's suspicions were slightly confirmed.

Outside the throne room Raphael was keeping up a terrible charade of aloof indifference in order to cover his thinly veiled fear of seeing Lucifer again.

"For the last time cigar-man, my brother, _little_  brother I might add will be mildly annoyed at best and infuriated at _you_ at worst should you bring me before him. Your best option is to return me to the surface and perhaps, through the glory of our Father's good grace you would know salvation."

"Kiddo, I've never went to church once in my life and I ain't starting today." He reached out to knock on the throne room door,

"WAIT!" Raphael cried out, sounding more and more desperate "There's a VERY good reason for both of our sakes to not bring me to him. You see mortal, Lucifer and I had a bit of a, well, more like it was a full blown-"

"Great, fuck no there is two of them."

The tired but still important sounding King Dice had either been so silent in his approach that Mr. Wheezy and Raphael didn't notice him until he said something or the God-damned casino manager could fucking teleport now.

Close behind him was a very large demon, most likely taller as well as far more muscular then the devil.

But since he hod gotten his goat legs mere minutes ago he was currently walking like he was going to slip on invisible marbles.

Mr. Wheezy opened his mouth to speak but before he could say anything, a southern but terrified voice echoed through the casino/pits of hell.

"WHAT IN TARNATION IS HAPPENING OVER HERE?!"

It was Chips Bettigan followed by the only demon lord in the room who didn't have goat-like legs.

"Of course Gabriel get legs he can actually walk on" Raphael bitterly muttered under his breath. Mr. Wheezy wondered if the angels were actually good and pure beings or just like mortals but with more snobby holier-then-thou personalities.

"Oh, Fuck me gently with a chainsaw there's three of these assholes." King Dice sighed.

"Who are you to call us assholes and why do you smell like spoiled cake and decaying flesh?" Raphael (because of course it's Raphael) angrily spat.

Then King Dice got uncomfortably close to Raphael's ear. Like really uncomfortably close. And then he whispered into it, just kidding he shouted.

"BITCH I WILL CALL YOU WHATEVER I GODDAMN PLEASE YOU FUCKING FURRY!"

Then the throne room door swung wide open revealing the Devil.

Everyone stood in absolute silence, the tension was so thick it would've made milkshakes jealous.

The only movement was from the Devil who was taking a long, slow sip from his aforementioned mug that apparently survived the earthquakes, hellfire, and damned souls.

You know I just realized that I didn't mention what the Devil had in that mug. It could be orange juice and mint leaves, or coffee that's actually 60% salt, 30% hot sauce and 10% coffee. Or cold spaghetti he could be drinking spaghetti out of a mug for all we know. He's the devil he can do whatever he wants to do. Also the mug itself is one of those mugs where when you lift while drinking from it it an image of a middle finger at the bottom flips off any nearby people. I feel that that is a very important fact of the mug to mention.


End file.
